What you can expect when we come home

I'm still a bit in shock - Danny will be with us FOREVER as of next week! I know that all of you - especially the grandparents - are excited and anxious to meet Daniel. We really appreciate the enthusiasm with which you are embracing Daniel and bringing him into our family. Eric and I have talked to most of the grandparents, but we want to make sure we let all our family and friends know what to expect when we come home to avoid any surprises or hurt feelings.

We have been taking adoption and parenting classes for a year and a half, and learned a lot about the attachment process. We need to keep in mind that although we've all been waiting anxiously to bring Danny home, he has not. He's about to go through a major life transition in which everything he sees, hears, smells and tastes is strange. And we just learned the other day that he was recently moved to a new foster home (a long story that I won't go into), so he's already experiencing confusion and pain from being separated from the woman he's known as "mother" since he was 1 day old.

When we get home, we ask that you give us a few days alone with Danny to help him make the transition. We'll let you know when we're ready to receive visitors. Even then, we'll need to keep it to a couple of people at a time. And Eric and I need to be his sole caregivers for the time being, meaning that we're the ones who need to do all the feeding, changing, bathing, putting to bed, comforting, etc., and we need to do most of the holding (although we will let you hold him for brief periods). Daniel needs to learn that we are his parents, and that he can trust us to always meet his needs.

So far, his experience with mother figures has been that they leave: first his birthmother (whom although he can't consciously remember, he knew her and attached to her on a subconscious level), then his foster mother Rosa, next his new foster mother Maria. So if he finds he can get his needs met by other people without having to trust ME, he may avoid attaching to me. We've heard from parents who ignored all this "attachment parenting" advice, and their kids had problems, so we're trying to learn from their experiences. None of this is meant to exclude you; it is actually in your best interest, as well as Danny's, that he forms a healthy attachment to us so he can build wonderful relationships with all of you later!

We ask that you read the following two short articles on how you can help us with Daniel's adjustment:

A Letter to Family and Friends
Dos and Don'ts for Family and Friends

Thank you for all your love and support!

--Jennifer and Eric